My Emotional Healing.... Pt 1

The Lord has really been showing me some things in my life that were previously hidden to me. Since my son Abram has been on his death bed God has been speaking to me more and healing me more than ever in my christian walk. It is as if part of me is dying (Abe) yet another part of me is coming to newness of life.The Lord has revealed to me about a bitter and resentful spirit against my mother I had no idea I had. My mother was always my very best friend, we had a good relationship, she lived with me when she passed away from cancer. When my mother died it was as if I had no emotion, I didn't cry at her funeral. She has been dead 10 yrs, and in those years I have not visited her grave, didn't take flowers at Mother's Day, etc. I always wondered why. My family was in complete shock that I was not devastated over her death, because we were so close. I was shocked as well. Never knew why I had these feelings until recently. I was praying about that, asking God why I reacted that way, why I had no desire to visit her grave, why I didn't cry, etc. I never told anyone that, but it was something that has bothered me over the years. I listened to Charles Stanley speak about bitterness and unforgivness, I have been studying about bitter roots, etc. I googled the word bitterness and unforgiveness and it blew me away what I was led to. It read:Who in your life should be important, but to whom you are totally indifferent? The opposite of love is not hate; it's indifference. If you are completely emotionally detached from a parent, you probably have not forgiven them, and your indifference is a sign of that.I loved my mother VERY much all of my life, so how could I be bitter? After my parents divorce when I was just 11 yrs old I had no discipline in my life. My brother and sister and myself, raised ourselves. My parents were married for 25 yrs, it was fighting, yelling, no peace for even one day in our household. After the divorce my mother went down the wrong road, drinking, staying out, leaving me home alone. I was the baby, my older brother and sister were out doing their thing. How does a child grow that is left to themself? Smoking, Drugs, Sex, you name it. Yep, all alone, and the devil was right there to accomodate me. I was 17 yrs old when Abe was born. I am thankful I was saved at 24yrs old and all of that is gone. But the scars of that wasn't gone. I never dealt with it, I "stuffed" it I guess you could say. That "root" of rejection and bitterness was planted in me at an early age, being left to myself. With all of that I had no idea I was bitter at my mom for it. I had no idea in the recesses of my spirit I blamed my mother for Abe. I always loved my mom very much, so how could I be bitter? You can, as I am finding out. The Lord is revealing more and more to me everyday. It hasn't come around full circle yet, and I am sure it won't be easy or quick, but I have a new life of freedom now. I can talk about things I have never told anyone. I was sharing with my friend Laurie at church this morning, and it is amazing to me that I can do that now. I never could before. If someone would have told me I was bitter against my mother I would have told them they were crazy. I am puzzled why all of this revelation while Abe is laying on his death bed. I am sure God has a reason I don't know or understand. His ways are past finding out. I am thankful for it though, it is changing me and I desperately need that. We all do. You just have to let go and let God do His thing as they say.Psalm 19:12 - Who can understand his errors? cleanse Thou me from secret faults.